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View From My Parent's Basement

You DON’T wanna be that guy!

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View From my parents basement
Catering to the lighter side of Fantasy Hockey
by David Dickenson


You DON’T wanna be that guy!

It’s almost fantasy hockey draft time if there’s a season and the trash talk has already started and many of the proposed rule changes are being bandied about like politicians filibustering to get their legislative changes through the House of Commons. Hearing all this double-talk and non-sensical jibber jabbering about something as simple and fun as fantasy hockey pools somehow though just made me think… wasn’t this just supposed to be a nice, fun time-waster? Something where you can joke with buddies, stay in touch with friends and maybe, just maybe get lucky enough to get one over on them in order to laude it over their heads for the next year?
Having joined a new pool this year and not being privy to previous seasons, once all this filibustering about rules came through my e-mail via mass messaging, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself at already being able to peg the type of fantasy hockey player most of these people were without ever meeting most of them.
Am I the amazing Kreskin? Hardly, it’s just a matter that when you’ve been in enough pools you tend to see the same 10-15 guys in different variations year in and year out.
So without further adieu, I’m going to lay out the 15 stereotypical hockey pool guys you will likely see in your pool this year, but really don’t want to be.

The “If my wife/girlfriend asks guy” (pussidus-whippedicus)
This guy will always try to be the most macho guy in the room and seemingly has the bravado of 16 latent frat boys, who just finished a latently homoerotic game of beer pong with his brothers. However, this is all a false sense of bravado, since at some point during his macho, in your face rants, he will mention to a buddy or the group that “If my wife/girlfriend asks” I only had one beer… I was at work… I was counseling my buddy who just lost his dead mother; totally contradicting everything he has said so far. You’ll usually recognize him when he abruptly cuts you off and one-ups your story… then looks like a moron seconds later when cowering in fear of his wife or girlfriend.

The “trade rapist” (pullidus your panties downicus behind bushes)
This guy is very close to being the “used car salesman guy,” but is less in your face and more like the creepy pedophile at the park looking out behind trees at the children on the playground equipment. He can smell and spot weakness and usually is licking his creepy lips just below his pencil thin moustache as he is waiting for that moment to get the suckers alone one-on-one to offer them a completely one sided deal. He always has all angles covered and his trade proposals hit the suckers like a slow moving dose of roofinal! He’s quite frankly the devil incarnate, who still lives in his mother’s basement! You’ll recognize him as the guy on draft day quietly trying to talk one-on-one to the draft’s sucker. You can see him behind the bushes waiting to pounce on the suckers, pull their panties down and peverbally trade rape them.

The “trade rapee” or “the sucker” (let meidus benoverus)
This guy is the one in the room you almost always feel sorry for, until you realize if I don’t take advantage of this guy, someone else will. He fits the stereotype of a sucker at a poker game, where if you can’t spot him, then it’s probably you! He’s overly eager to please and open to trade talks immediately and getting in the good graces of those he considers the cool kids. He’s the guy who year after year sees his few good picks get mercilessly savaged from his team for high ranking guys who are out for the season or prospects everyone else knows have already busted out. You’ll recognize him when he take a joke about Jay Bouwmeester having a huge points year seriously and picks him in the second or third round.

Mr. Loophole (smartypantsicus jackassidus)
This guy is constantly studying the pool and it’s categories, rules and set-up looking for that one loophole which is going to throw the whole world off it’s axis… and god forbid they find it! If they do find something like that, it’s not enough for them to quietly take advantage of it and be in a good position to win their pool and take home the prize, but instead they start mass e-mailing it to everyone to try to fix it and give everyone else a chance to cash in as they miss their opportunity. Pools are a fun thing and a way to stay in touch, but the name of the game is also to win the thing, so shut your mouth and be smarter than the rest of them, instead of sending out that mass e-mail which is trying to tell them in effect “I’m smarter than you!” You’ll recognize him as the guy in your pool, who’s name usually appears most in your inbox since he’s always spamming the group with all his loophole suggestions.

Mr. Nice Guy (league commissioner too nice-icus)
This guy usually will be the guy running the pool, whose there to stay in touch with everyone and socialize, but also sees it as his need to keep everyone happy instead of forcing some to realize they’re idiots and need to figure out their own ****. While he’s good natured and someone, who’s a good friend, he’s also someone who is primed to be taken advantage of by the other people in the pool making rule suggestions, getting him to set their line-ups for them since they’re away on vacation etc. But the good nature, only last so long until taken too far and this guy will usually snap on somebody hard and unjustly since they’ve had enough of being taken advantage of. You’ll recognize this guy as the nice guy joking and usually running the pool and trying to be the peacemaker in every dispute or situation.

The Lame Duck (excuse-icus maximus)
This guy is someone who’s usually a friend of the commissioner or large group of guys in the pool and generally makes it to draft day to pick his team, but then afterwards all of a sudden disappears only to return sporadically to set his line-ups, giving some of his head-to-head opponents a free win and others a tough match-up usually making for an unfair advantage for some. When it’s finally questioned, there’s always a family emergency or illness, which rightfully so accounts for his absence of setting line-ups regularly, however instead of sitting everyone for the season or stepping back to take care of what’s more important, he finds the time to appeal to everyone’s kindness to let him keep his team, even though he’ll continue to screw most of you over when you face him. You’ll recognize him as the team who regularly loses head-to-head matches, then suddenly scoring a big win since he finally set his roster. Or quite possibly as the guy, who you start ripping on the message boards for not setting his roster, until the guy’s buddies in the pool, quietly send you an e-mail asking you to knock it off because of his personal issues.

The “Rankings Slave” (lacksicus confides)
This guy can’t make up his mind about anything, so his surefire way to make any choice is to use the rankings. He’s usually happy to get out of the house and be out amongst his friends, with that being the reason he’s actually at the draft, when his tactic would really end up with the same as having him auto-draft from home. On occasions he may have a small list of players and need them ranked, but generally whatever the pool guide says is gospel and his buddies around him are able to reach knowing exactly who his next pick will be. You’ll recognize him as the guy on draft day, clutching his draft guide with white knuckles, since this is the year his generic picks, which aren’t really his own will pay off and he’ll win it all. Throughout the season you’ll hear him spouting off about how so and so were “supposed to score __ points.”

Mr. Census (gallup-icus maximus)
This guy can’t seem to make up his own mind, but he’s not quite the “Second Guesser.” Instead he’s gone far enough to narrow his selection to anywhere between 2-5 players and will go over his time allotment for the selection as he polls the entire room as to which one of those guys he should choose next. God forbid someone else give him another name to add. This guy is solely focused on his quandrum, he needs reassurance from everyone, no matter if it’s someone’s incontinent grandpa, who wandered into the room on his way to the crapper for the first time in months… he needs to know! You’ll recognize him as the guy constantly turning his head to the guy next to him and whispering his latest poll to him, completely forgetting the fact he’s competing against you in the pool. Don’t give him an answer and watch him blow his stack! It’s quite funny!

Mr. Used Car Salesman (does-my belt match my shoes-icus)
This guy reminds everyone of the crooked 70’s clothes wearing, does my belt match my shoes, crooked used car salesmen of yester year. He’s a self-proclaimed smooth talker of the bunch and thinks he can talk the back legs off a donkey. Not only that, but he’s also the guy trying to get his way, because he think’s he’s so persuasive he can tell you “You don’t want that guy, you want him!,” because secretly that player is the guy he wants with his next pick. You’ll recognize him as the guy in the pool who won’t except no as an answer and keeps coming back to you over and over with the same ludicrous one-sided trade offers repeatedly, each time trying to rationalize them in a different way until you finally buy the used car… errr… accept the deal.

The Polish Hostage (I’m taking my ball and going homesidus)
This guy is likely one of the most hated people you ever come across in pools! He’s that one guy who doesn’t like something about the pool he’s in and wants more to get his own way, rather than fix it alternately or do something for the greater good of the pool. He’ll come hard and fast with his complaints and usually by the end of his e-mails start to calm it down before dropping the ominous bomb at the end “I don’t want to be a ****, but if it’s going to be that way, I don’t know if I’ll have the time to play anymore,” symbolizing the choice of the rule or losing him in the pool. The same as how SWAT team members call a person threatening to do harm to himself a “Polish Hostage,” this guy is doing the same thing to the pool. He isn’t happy he’s not winning and he’s ready to take his ball and go home… so make me feel special and I may stay. You’ll recognize him as the disgruntled guy at the draft repeatedly stating his case about his point he already lost out on, and then throwing his arms up and saying “whatever, the rest of you made up your decision.” Someone needs to cue up a Debbie Downer “whaaa whaaa” to follow each one of his outbursts.

The Human Suggestion Box (what ificus supremity)
This guy is someone, who in his own mind is being helpful, but in actuality is just stirring the pot further and giving any idiotic suggestions the legs to be taken seriously or actually addressed. No matter how stupid a complaint put out there, he’s made a pros and cons list about it, googled it and comes back hard and fast with some suggestions to fix the complaint. “Hey I saw people aren’t happy about having to be at the draft, so what if we launch a satellite and equip each house with special dishes so we can be in contact at all times and then can make the draft that way.” Is the type of thing that usually comes out of this plebe’s mouth, instead of the logical, well you’re not there, so auto-draft or conference call… boom… DONE!, but no, he’s got this overly complicated suggestion that comes out rapid fire after every complaint, other suggestion or inquiry made. You’ll recognize him as the guy who seems to think he’s in a board meeting, looking over the tops of his glasses, with a serious expression as he lays out an insane way to fix things.

The complete and utter Homer (this is our year-idus)
This guy will be the one going hard and fast after players from his favourite team no matter where they fall in the rankings or how many superstars are still ahead of them. He repeatedly will be talking up his favourite or players team and not just justifying his idiotic homer pick to himself, but trying to do so to the entire room which is already looking at him with distain. To him this is going to be every injured player on his favourite team’s comeback year and the super fan will be quick to tell everyone about it. You’ll recognize him, as the guy wearing his team’s favourite jersey and naming his team something in conjunction with that team, not only because he is not creative in the least, but he’s also a complete homer who thinks this is the year his team will win it all, no matter how pathetic they are.

The no-show (my wife wouldn’t let me out of the housicus)
This guy is usually the most gung-ho guy in the pool before the actual draft and generally over-eager to talk trash and mouth the guys he doesn’t know. However as the pool starts to get more near and things become real, mystery illnesses, family commitments which popped up last second, last second vacations or spur of the minute work conferences all seem to spring up on draft weekend, so he has to let his team be put on auto-draft, thus leaving him a ton of excuses for not backing up his trash talk and winning the whole thing. You’ll recognize him from the flux of mass e-mails leading up to the draft and then his sudden empty chair on draft day as the computer auto-drafts for this wuss.

Everyone’s a sleeper guy (maskimus my shortcomings-idus)
This guy is someone who think’s he’s somewhat a guru of fantasy hockey. To everyone else he’s the normal beer swilling slob with a minor body odour issue drafting his team, but to himself in the mirror he’s the re-incarnation of Bob McKenzie or Glen Sather ready to pick out, what he considers sleeper after sleeper in the draft, no matter that they aren’t really sleepers. He’ll be pouring through his guides and then lashing out at others as they make their normal strategic picks, claiming, “that guy is one of my sleepers!” You’ll recognize him as the guy on the couch with his draft guide on his lap, hiding his sheets from the other poolies, like the annoying neurotic dweeb in high school who always guarded his tests since he thought everyone was cheating off of him.

The second-guesser (mom still picks out my clothesicus)
This guy is usually the complete and utter butt of all draft-day jokes since at some time or another he’ll make a complete and utter disaster of a pick and then once everyone laughs at him and moves on he’ll ask to go back and change things up. The Second-Guesser always seemed to struggle with everything asked of him, would you like another beer? What type? Well what type of player do you need? Nothing ever seems black and white there are just too many choices for him. You’ll recognized him when you’re yelling across the room at the jackass to hurry up and make his pick since he’s already 5 minuts over the time limit.
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Comments

  1. Coach Selly's Avatar
    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this!! :yes:
  2. Coach Pharling's Avatar
    I laughed so hard I sprayed DR. Pepper all over my monitor! Hilarious that I know half of those guys, and I am the other half!